well, all the ridiculous, fucked-up-ness of this past week is finally catching up to me. now all that remains is the simple, undeniable fact that work must be done. still. even though the catalyst for this week of perpetual failure was work, and work already done was the reason for the failure.
am i a failure? am i going to "fail" out of college? or is all this really not at all applicable to the real world outside of campus? Will i ever have to write about waiting for Godot in french again? no.
philosophy. whats the point? I'm not going to graduate college only to throw myself back into academia and all the stress and pressure that comes along with that. so what am i going to do? i cant just be a musician, i can't just work some dead-end, 50 hour a week job, I'm just not good for anything.
nothing fits me. there is nothing i love doing (other than music, but that's different). i don't feel passionate about anything.
nancy and i had some crazy convo about feelings last night and if its possible to not feel them. but what i want to know, is how is it possible to feel feelings? i think it is possible to be numb to feelings around and within me, but that numbness itself is also a kind of feeling i guess. o well, I'm just going to hope that passion will find me and i will learn to live sometime like the rest of the world.
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