So now it is 2017. I must have started this around '08. Never used it as much as I thought I would. Managed to transcribe some handwritten musings one night real late. The one good thing is I still love the title. And I will never forget that night with Mackenzie. Walking from lafarge, pretty high I believe, looking for her car. Neither one of us could find it. Oh wait, no. I wasn't with Mackenzie, I was with Nancy. We were looking for Kenz's car though. A saab convertible. She "told" us where it was. However, in true kenz fashion, it was not there. She was probably high when she parked it. But we went on an expedition because my guitar Jason, 15 (probably shitty and light) beers, and all the rest of my pot (which was maybe a dime bag) were in the car. We didn't find it that night, but we had a great time and I came up with the name of my first album. OK, probably didn't need to write that considering I will be the only person to read this and I already know what happened. Oh well. I am thinking that I will move my journaling efforts from notebook to blog. Typing is easier/faster. Plus, I have started using that notebook for my genealogy research. I also would like to up my typing speed in french. I did this with another word processor because I can't type accents here. That is frustrating. I bet there is a way but I don't want to waste time finding it right now. I am going to post the french I typed, the google translation to english and the reverse translation of my translated english back to french: AHHH! Et je le fais encore!! Chaque fois que je tape des phrases avec des accents et avec les nouveaux mots, j’essais de les copier et les effacer plutôt. Je tape le “alt” au lieu de “ctrl” et puis je tape “c”. Alors, je vois un “ç” au liuex de mes mots! C’est extremant agaçant. Maintenant, je vais essayer encore de copier toutes mes phrases et les verifiés avec google translate. AHHH! And I do it again !! Every time I type phrases with accents and with new words, I try to copy them and erase them instead. I type the "alt" instead of "ctrl" and then type "c". So I see a "ç" at the end of my words! It's extreme annoying. Now I will try again to copy all my sentences and checked them with google translate. AHHH! Et je le fais encore! Chaque fois que je tape des phrases avec des accents et avec de nouveaux mots, j'essaie de les copier et de les effacer à la place. Je tape le "alt" au lieu de "ctrl" et puis tapez "c". Alors je vois un "ç" à la fin de mes mots! C'est extrêmement ennuyeux. Maintenant, je vais essayer de nouveau de copier toutes mes phrases et vérifié avec google translate. this is the thing about journaling or blogging. I am bored now. I should come up with an outline and discuss something interesting like my take on Trump and whats going on now. But the times that I have time to sit and blog, or when I decide to actually write things down, I am not motivated to write about any thing in particular.

www.canyoutellifimillegal.moonfruit.com

it is obvious to me how very silly i was
of course there really were the old shits i found in my notebooks
but of course there was filler. there is always filler
and each word must be witty, each sentence complete
heaven forbid i eschew poet-etry and embrace being neat.

but here it is, junior year. still in college (hopefully, i hope).
at least i have, well you know.
i would talk about it every night at 9 to the whole (intelligent) world if i could.
Hear ye, hear ye, democrat socialists and the minority,
i no longer answer to me
hear i am, not alone, not afraid, but afraid of being alone.
Can do it/? or do i need i?
can i see it or taste it?
fuck it.
i love it
fuck me.


(TAKE IT!!)

you caught me.

outside last night your face was just right
the way i saw you in the perfect light
i could draw you over in my mind
until your dimple matches mine
until we run out of time to be alone together
and whether you like it or not i don't know what i want
to do about it


there's a cliff i can't jump off of without a little shove
against the wall you share with Kacey pin my arms above my head
remind me why every time i see my bed
it looks so empty


im scared of falling in love again
that i might actually fall this time and not pretend to
be alright at night as i go to bed without you
fall asleep on the couch so i'm able to resist when i want to walk over and kiss you until you say i missed you
too many times have i just walked by you
instead of kissing your neck where i know you want me to
how can i flirt with you, when every touch gets me off topic


There's a secret i can't tell you without a cigaret
to take a drag on as i whisper you make me wet every time
you smile at me with that look in your eyes
i realized its the same look as mine

There's a place that i can't find without making you moan
my name out loud so i can hear when i make you come back down to earth
with a a sigh and a silly grin, wipe my chin, begin again.

i won't pretend
lets be more than friends
the end.

the sunset dilema

The wind blew her hair around her face until the
setting sun in front of her was caught up within the fine
strands and diffused through it creating the illusion of
a halo around her face. Any passerby would probable aggree
that the sun had purposfully created this affect to
compliment her striking angelic features. Her eyes really
were abnormally large but set off, as they were, by her
long and full eyelashes they became deep pools that truly
provided a window into her soul. And that soul was just
as beautiful and striking as her vibrant green eyes.
It may seem that this essay is wasting too much space
just describing this anonymous angel's eyes but the fact
is they deserve it. Were this girl alive during the age
of chivalry and trubadors, her eyes would be the kind to
inspire impromptu verse from hopeless suiters. One could
look into her eyes and see not only the innocent and pure
honesty radiating from deep within her but see themselves
reflected back as who they were supposed to be. She
really seemed to be an unearthly epheraial being.
At that moment she was lost in thought as she
casually leaned against the starboard deck. She was
fascinated by the beauty of the sun setting on the vast
horizon before her. There were no skyscrapers or power
lines to distract from the raw beauty of the sun's
natural path. It was at then that she finally let go of
all her banal conception of time and gave into natures
insistant and lulling cycle. She let go of her ties to
the past, only holding on to the intangible heartaches
that would later be carried on only in her wrinkles. She g
ave up her hopes for the future but not her dreams. She
turned herself over to the now, as constant and
unpredictable as the choppy waves carrying her far away
from home.
Simultaneously she became aware of the horizon line
before her, the only visible seperation between day and
night. It seemed to extend in an unaturally straigt line
from where she stood to eternity. No, it had
nothing to do with time. It was outside the temporal
world. She noticed that it had no begginning and no
ending. It just was.
Although she percieved it as an unwaveringly straigt
line, some small part of her mind recognized that was just
an illusion and it was really a reflection of the
inconcievably round curve of earths circumfrance. This
new thought made her aware of the paradoxes of light. How
else could the only perfectly straight line experienced in
nature actually be the unchanging curve of the earth that
we live on? Maybe nothing we saw was straight. Yes, she
thought, the concept of "perfectly straight" was just
that, a concept, and nothing more. It could never exist
and maybe we were all better for that.

lullanight and goodbye

i don't care about what they say. i don't care what you are and all i think about is today and i may be classified as a hooligan or even worse. I wear dirty clothes or no clothes at all. i abuse booze and aderol. the world goes on around me every day. and i push my way around with no care at all. but then.
the world changed for me.
when the world took you away from me.
i pray extra hard and cry extra long just to see you.
and when each day ends, i renew my efforts to change again
each and every night, i win, but i loose the fight
because i hate sleeping alone
but what's worse is waking up without you.
so now i care about what i have to say and i care alot about the world today. I try to be good and i try to be what you would want me to be. i wear a ribbon of black, tied to a piercing on my back, even when im naked you know that im still in mourning for you. and in the morning i go to church. i listen to the preacher and i try to make it work, i may not believe it but if it means that i could see you i'll try.

so know now wherever you are. i'll be there someday if i believe what they say, if i believe what im saying if i say it all right then ill live it right too. and maybe one day it will all have a point, maybe the day when i don't disapoint you, don't forsake you, and don't mistake your feelings for me. but until that day comes along, all i can do is just sing you this song, so lullabye. and goodnight. and listen closely and maybe i might just leave a clue, a little hint, that i love you.